For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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