the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize