I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
