i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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