He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
