Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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