my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize