I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
