First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
