she woke up with a sticky ear
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
