i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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