The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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