my phone needs a breathalizer
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
