The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
