I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
