I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
