i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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