I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
