Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
