Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
