who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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