Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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