Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
