we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
