distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
