I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
