I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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