Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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