if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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