i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
