I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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