nutella sex= disaster
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
