Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
