I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
