Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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