Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
