all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
