The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize