i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
