Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
