he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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