Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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