My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
