Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
