why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
