the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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