Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
