The maid of honor just puked.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
