He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
