I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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