she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
