ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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