Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
