I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think i have herpe
just one?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
