just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
