remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize