It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
