Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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