when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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