I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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