a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
