textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have fence marks all over my body
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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