i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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