I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
