I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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