what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
