your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My feet surprised me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
